A Story of Sizzlepissmas
There are many stories of Sizzlepiss, the great albino opossum of long nights, cold blood, and false death. Sizzlepiss, all-mother, all-eater, blessed are thy teensy feet! Ea! Ea!
Here come this tale.
In the beginning, when the world was made of ice and bone and walnut husks, humanity was few in number and many in ways to die horribly. Humankind cried out for a savior to deliver them from their pain and toil. And within her lair, Sizzlepiss heard this, and felt hungry, and ate something soft and smelly although she did not know what it was, and went back to sleep.
Then everyone died.
Seeing this, Sizzlepiss probably felt some kind of strange opossum emotion. It is not for mortals to know these things. She understood that although dead people could be eaten, dead people were otherwise very boring. And so unto the dead Sizzlepiss gifted the Death that is not Death, which is to say Life. This she did by speaking the sacred tongue, like so:
“Haaaaeeesssssssssssssssss.”
(At this point, it is traditional for the storyteller to hiss softly, with jaw distended, until they either pass out or vomit slightly)
And then all the people knew Life again, except those that Sizzlepiss ate most of. And within their hearts they felt the cold of the Void and knew death was but a gate, and beyond that gate was a sudden drop onto jagged rocks and more death, and this knowledge filled them with dread. But they felt a greater dread for Sizzlepiss, to whom they owed a great debt they could never repay, and who wouldn’t stop staring at them despite their yelling and poking of her with a broom.
And from that day on, we pay tithe to Sizzlepiss on the sacred night of Sizzlepissmas, with catfood and greenish-gray meat stuffs left over from Thanksgiving. And if we do not, Sizzlepiss enters our home and leaves us “presents” where we will never, ever find them. But we will smell them, oh yes. We will smell them and regret.
Ea, Sizzlepiss! Ea, the Pink Eyes that Stare! Ea, Weird Little Tail! Let us sing of thy cruel beauty!
“Sizzlepiss the Solstice Opossum!
She loves you because you’re awesome!
Leave some cat food out for me!
And I’ll leave gifts under your tree!And if you don’t, that’s okay.
I’ll leave a “gift” anyway.
Inside of your AC ducts.
In several tiny chunks!Ea!”
